my heart's in such utter turmoil.

nssbass [9:30 PM]: I didnt think much of it then..... he was like... "I spend 4 hours at her house and she wouldnt even kiss me"
nssbass [9:31 PM]: and i was like..well... maybe she didnt want to... and he was something like...How am I supposed to react to that
Iove is fragile [9:31 PM]: Nikkei, in my defense, I was .. just not in the mood. Because I knew it would lead to more. And my parents were home and stuff.
nssbass [9:32 PM]: i know...now that I think about it.... maybe he's gotten like...too big for his britches.... he's never had a girlfriend before you...or a real kiss or anything....i think he got a small taste and ran with it
Iove is fragile [9:32 PM]: - shrug. -
nssbass [9:32 PM]: it's wrong for him to expect it like that...you know that right?
Iove is fragile [9:32 PM]: Expect it like what?
nssbass [9:33 PM]: just expect because he was over there that you should kiss him
nssbass [9:33 PM]: there's a thousand other ways to show affection.
Iove is fragile [9:33 PM]: I knew he was really, really stressed
Iove is fragile [9:33 PM]: Because he had had golden strings recording that morning
Iove is fragile [9:33 PM]: So that's why I invited him over
Iove is fragile [9:33 PM]: And we even went in my hot tub
Iove is fragile [9:33 PM]: Because that was relaxing and such, at least I think so
Iove is fragile [9:34 PM]: And I already told you why I didn't kiss him.
nssbass [9:34 PM]: yeah
Iove is fragile [9:34 PM]: It .. wasn't anything bad.
Iove is fragile [9:34 PM]: Meh.
Iove is fragile [9:34 PM]: I look so horrible lol
nssbass [9:34 PM]: your right it wasnt
nssbass [9:34 PM]: he's just being a prick
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: - sigh - I admit I'm not the best girlfriend. But I mean.. I stuck up for him when the majority of my friends said I should break up with him, I was patient with him through things.
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: And now this. .__.
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: I just feel.. meh
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: Almost used.
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: Or not appreciated.
nssbass [9:35 PM]: i would too
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: I think he's just confused, in all honesty
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: I'm not saying he's going to come back
Iove is fragile [9:35 PM]: But you see how he contradicts himself
nssbass [9:35 PM]: yeah
nssbass [9:35 PM]: he's a walking contradiction
Iove is fragile [9:36 PM]: I don't think he knows what he wants, and until he does, that's the only way things will work
Iove is fragile [9:36 PM]: But who knows if he ever will --;
nssbass [9:37 PM]: *hugs*
Iove is fragile [9:37 PM]: ^^ - hugs back -
Iove is fragile [9:37 PM]: Well. I hope he finds himself, and happiness
Iove is fragile [9:37 PM]: Even if that means making me sad - laughs -
nssbass [9:38 PM]: we can always share dan ^_^
nssbass [9:38 PM]: and his sexy legs
Iove is fragile [9:38 PM]: xD Rofl
Iove is fragile [9:38 PM]: No, you keep Dan to yourself
Iove is fragile [9:38 PM]: But I might grope his legs every now and then
Iove is fragile [9:38 PM]: Damn those legs
Iove is fragile [9:38 PM]: xD
nssbass [9:38 PM]: lmao

-------------------------------

and then meanwhile, dennis decides to lash out at me now, instead of five months ago.

the thin shell of happiness i built around me shattered in an instant.

Iove is fragile [9:57 PM]: But you'd never get back with me though
ATTENTION [9:57 PM]: File Transfer successful.
MagiusDarkflayer [9:57 PM]: Yea what the fuck ever
MagiusDarkflayer [9:57 PM]: I didn't want to break up in the first place
MagiusDarkflayer [9:57 PM]: I didn't want to even let you go
Iove is fragile [9:58 PM]: I didn't either. But it's funny how that turned out.
MagiusDarkflayer [9:58 PM]: Yea why did it turn out like that?
Iove is fragile [9:58 PM]: Because my life sucks xD
MagiusDarkflayer [9:58 PM]: No, because you chose it to happen. =P -=Pokes her in the forehead.=-
Iove is fragile [9:58 PM]: - stumbles and flops on the ground -
MagiusDarkflayer [9:58 PM]: I didn't care that you kissed him. xD
Iove is fragile [9:59 PM]: *Made out
MagiusDarkflayer [9:59 PM]: In my head, I prepared myself for that, because I knew one of us would crack.
MagiusDarkflayer [9:59 PM]: Kiss, make out, whatever.
Iove is fragile [9:59 PM]: There's a huge difference!
MagiusDarkflayer [9:59 PM]: No there really isn't when you come down to it.
MagiusDarkflayer [9:59 PM]: Both are from either lust or love.
Iove is fragile [9:59 PM]: No I mean
MagiusDarkflayer [9:59 PM]: And as long as you would have said i love you to me, I would of embraced you and kept you.
Iove is fragile [10:00 PM]: If I found out.. - doesn't know whether to say Ryan, so says something else - my significant other kissed someone, I might be pissed
Iove is fragile [10:00 PM]: But not NEARLY as pissed as if they made out
MagiusDarkflayer [10:00 PM]: Well not to me... I loved you way too much to even care... I was willing to forgive you because of how much I wanted to end up with you and be with you. You were my dream girl.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:02 PM]: Why do you think I let you go out to all them parties even though I knew there was the risk of that happening?
Iove is fragile [10:02 PM]: I don't know. - curls up -
MagiusDarkflayer [10:02 PM]: Because i loved you so much that I was willing to take the chance, win or lose.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:03 PM]: I just didn't expect you to become so guilty in heart to break it off with me.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:03 PM]: We always said to each other that breaking up wouldn't help, so I believed it.
Iove is fragile [10:03 PM]: And did it? No.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:03 PM]: How so?
MagiusDarkflayer [10:03 PM]: You moved on for a good 4-5 months.
Iove is fragile [10:04 PM]: Because I flung myself into something.. that I guess that no one was ready for. Not even him.
Iove is fragile [10:04 PM]: And I thought I was.
Iove is fragile [10:04 PM]: But as I sit here alone, I guess not.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:04 PM]: But you still love him, am I right?
Iove is fragile [10:04 PM]: Yes. Right now I do.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:04 PM]: And that is my point... you love him now.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:04 PM]: Breaking up did help one of us.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:05 PM]: Not for a good way in the long run
MagiusDarkflayer [10:05 PM]: But still helped for the 5 months.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:05 PM]: While the other thought he was only on a temporary break up for the first month.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:05 PM]: Then stayed by her side cause he couldn't move on, too weak.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: ...-=Sighs.=-
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: I am sorry
Iove is fragile [10:07 PM]: I'm a horrible person, what more do you want me to say?
Iove is fragile [10:07 PM]: Why are you lashing out at me now?
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: I went off right there in my little mood swing
Iove is fragile [10:07 PM]: When I'm already feeling awful?
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: I didn't mean too...
Iove is fragile [10:07 PM]: You could've done this five months ago
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: You set me off christa.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: I told you in my diary... I am a timebomb right now...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:07 PM]: I am so vulnerable over the times.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:08 PM]: I was in an illusion when it first happen
MagiusDarkflayer [10:08 PM]: Like how you are hopeful with Ryan
MagiusDarkflayer [10:08 PM]: I was so sure that me and you would get back together without me interfering.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:08 PM]: I am sorry...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:09 PM]: I just miss you... and it makes me just so confused
Iove is fragile [10:09 PM]: So what do you want me to do? I can't go back and change things. And I don't know what I want now.
Iove is fragile [10:09 PM]: I thought I could take some time to get my feelings in order.
Iove is fragile [10:09 PM]: And then my ex picks now, of all times, to lash out.
Iove is fragile [10:09 PM]: Well thank you.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:09 PM]: Christa... I didn't mean to...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:09 PM]: I really am sorry...
Iove is fragile [10:09 PM]: Now I'm just as lost and heart broken as you. I got my punishment. Karma kicked me in the ass.
Iove is fragile [10:09 PM]: Are you happy?
Iove is fragile [10:10 PM]: 'Cause guess not, I'm not.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:10 PM]: No not at all once again
MagiusDarkflayer [10:10 PM]: I told you I ain't happy because you "got what you deserved"
MagiusDarkflayer [10:10 PM]: I don't want that... I don't know what I want either christa...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:10 PM]: I lashed out cause you set me off... For that I am friggin sorry... I wish i could take that all back
MagiusDarkflayer [10:11 PM]: I am still as vulnerable as you are right now, I suppose...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:11 PM]: My heart aches badly, my face is red and hot, eyes watery...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:12 PM]: I still love you way too much christa... and it builds up in me along with my mixed emotions.
Iove is fragile [10:13 PM]: I'm already in tears! And I don't know what to do! It's not bad enough that my boyfriend breaks up with me, and now this. Well here's the thing. I don't know what I want! I can't run back to you when I'm in love with someone else, who doesn't even love me anymore! So why does it fucking matter. - curls up, just breaks down -
MagiusDarkflayer [10:14 PM]: Christa... it matters alot... cause i don't want to see you hurt... I can't help the situation and I am sorry for worsening it...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:14 PM]: I don't want you to come back to me like this...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:14 PM]: I don't want you to be with me without love, that defeats the purpose...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:15 PM]: I don't even know what else to say... I want to say I am sorry 5000 times to you for this... but my emotions finally broke me down.
Iove is fragile [10:19 PM]: Anything more you'd like to say to me?
MagiusDarkflayer [10:19 PM]: No...
Iove is fragile [10:19 PM]: That you've kept bottled up for five months?
MagiusDarkflayer [10:19 PM]: That is it... christa...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:20 PM]: I just really miss you and love you, end of story... that is what it comes down to... I want to make it up to you somehow...
Iove is fragile [10:22 PM]: I know what hell I put you through. And I'm sorry.
Iove is fragile [10:22 PM]: You have every right to lash out at me.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:22 PM]: Not at this moment.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:22 PM]: I shouldn't have bottled it up and exploded like that.
Iove is fragile [10:22 PM]: And you were the best person I could've asked for, not ever saying one bad thing about Ryan while I was dating him.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:22 PM]: Heh...
Iove is fragile [10:24 PM]: But now it's quite obvious where you stand. And I stand. And, until I get over Ryan, or we.. talk over.. whatever the hell we need to talk over.. I'm still in love with him. It might be the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm making it. I might hurt and be in agony for just as long as you. But it's God's simple way of getting me back.
Iove is fragile [10:24 PM]: All I can ask is that you don't do this to me now. Of all times. I'm hurt, and vulnerable, and I don't know where I'm going, all right?
MagiusDarkflayer [10:24 PM]: Alright...
Iove is fragile [10:25 PM]: I don't know if I'm ever getting back together with Ryan, or you, or just... drowning myself in a bathtub. I don't know.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:25 PM]: You better not drown yourself. ;__;
Iove is fragile [10:25 PM]: So if you have anymore to say, say it now. I already won't be able to sleep tonight.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:25 PM]: I will so be pissed at you in the afterlife. =P
MagiusDarkflayer [10:25 PM]: Anyway...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:26 PM]: The only thing I want to say still is I still want to be here for you... My outburst may have damaged that... But I still want to be able to talk to you in a friendly way.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:26 PM]: If you don't want me to be, I can understand. =P
MagiusDarkflayer [10:26 PM]: But I just want to know this before I continue to be this way.
Iove is fragile [10:26 PM]: Nikkei suggested I block you, but I'm not going to do that. I just..don't need anyone taking advantage of me now, or abusing me when I'm in this state.
MagiusDarkflayer [10:27 PM]: I don't want to do either christa...
MagiusDarkflayer [10:27 PM]: I just want to be here... listening.

Bea-fucking-utiful.

Well, to summarize this, I'm posting a song that Chris is reminded of me when he hears it.

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love